The Dreaded Twenties: The Joys and Fears of Ageing When You’re Young
Going out for an afternoon walk in an attempt to squeeze 10,000 steps into my day, I plugged in my earphones and clicked play on the next episode in the Finding Annie podcast which featured Suzanne Moore. It was introduced as a discussion about ageing, femininity, and menopause. Although I am nowhere near old, and nowhere near menopause, I was shocked at how much I could relate to this fear of getting older. I am only turning twenty this year, but often catch myself saying to my friends “God I feel old” or, “are we really turning twenty this year?”. Isn’t the scary thing not that we are getting older, but the fact that we fear getting older, even when we are as young as teenagers?
When you are twelve or fourteen, you can’t wait until your sweet sixteenth, or to turn into an adult, but as soon as that time arrives we are struck with a reality of responsibility, independence and decisions that makes us just want to transport back to a time of freedom, naivety and innocence in high school. When I was seventeen, I made myself a list of things to achieve before I turned eighteen. I have done the same this year for things to do before I turn twenty this September. But really what I want to achieve is the eradication of this constant ticking time bomb in the back of my mind. Yes we are getting older, but we still have so much time. We do not need a checklist of achievements or a bullet pointed list of things that make us happy. The beautiful thing about twenty in particular is that we are only just starting to figure it all out and we will be even more wise by thirty, even more wise by forty, and so on.
To me, the twenties are a time of discovery. In our twenties we may still be at university, starting our first full time job, or even deciding that that is not the path for us and choose to chase a super niche lifestyle instead. You may discover that the degree course you chose when you were sixteen is not actually the career you want to pursue, or the career you thought you wanted to pursue is not living up to the expectations. Although I am not actually twenty yet, I am keeping my mind and heart open to the fact that my life might not go to plan, and that is okay. If you do not have a plan, that is okay too. In fact, a lack of plan possibly gives you more freedom for spontaneity and decisions which aren’t so carefully premeditated and forced. In your twenties, you may have to start paying bills, you will (probably) fall in love or have your heart broken. There may even be marriage or pregnancy on the line. Or you could end up in debt from drinking away your problems on nights out every week. Yes all of these experiences are a little scary, but it is simply a fear of the unknown. The only way to get over these fears is through discovery and learning from said experiences.
I think it is also important to raise the fact that certain ages do not need to be milestones. I think about the fact that my mum was engaged by the time she was twenty one and the thought of me getting engaged next year is both terrifying and unrealistic. Terrifying because I am wanting to commit to my degree, not settle down with a husband just yet. But then again, my mum did not go to university. Everyone is different and I cannot compare my path to my mums, or even my friends, and I like to think I won’t have any future expectations for my children should I have any. We need to cut the bullshit “you need to have your education by twenty, career sorted by thirty, and teenage kids by the time you’re forty” because believe it or not, we all have different goals and priorities. Milestones are just a factor that will make you fear age because of the pressure to have achieved something. Take a deep breath and just enjoy where you are instead of worrying about what you ‘should’ have accomplished by now, whatever your age.
Turning twenty scares me because I don’t feel twenty. But how can you feel age? When I was eighteen, I bought my first legal alcoholic drink and decorated myself with a tattoo. Visibly and legally speaking, I was an adult, but I didn’t suddenly wake up with bills to pay and a family to feed to make me feel more any more like an adult internally. Now that I have lived on my own for a year and have cooked my own meals and have to pay rent, I still do not feel like an adult and I do not think I ever will. We celebrate getting older, only to permanently feel young. Is there anything wrong with feeling young, as long as you are mentally mature though? I also do not look my age. I am 5’ with a fairly petite build and this always seems to deduct a couple of years when people guess my age. “You will love looking young when you are older,” my mum used to always say to me -- the benefits being, well, just looking young for my age. Maybe I will have less wrinkles and I might not need dentures, but is looking my age really a bad thing? Ageing is a sign of wisdom and maturity, not necessarily becoming hagged and tired. Looking my age at twenty may mean people take me more seriously and not make jokes like “are you even old enough to serve alcohol?” when working in a pub and restaurant. My dad says “God, I look so old” and I reply, “no you just look like you are about to turn fifty.” Anti-ageing creams and using youth as a complement make us believe that age is something to run away from. I hate to break it to you dad, but we are all getting old and there is no denying it. My friends would turn around and argue that I do not even look that much younger than twenty, and I am actually pretty mature for my age. That just supports the fact that maybe we do always feel our worst when we look our best.
Another thought that came up in the podcast which made me think: what we think makes us happy, might not make us happy. In your twenties I believe there is a fine line between still being young and becoming responsible. Will travelling and partying make me happy? Or shall I focus on getting a good career that makes me happy so I can spend the rest of my life partying and travelling? You just do not know where life will lead you. Right now I have a bit of an obsession with thrillers and dramas on screen and in books. A couple of years ago though, I would have cried at the thought of consuming absolutely anything remotely tense or scary. Our preferences and priorities are constantly changing but that does not change who we are as people. Let’s call it character development. The guide to turning twenty may tell you to start saving for a house, but if you would rather spend your money on Disney Plus and Uber Eats every night, who is there to judge? If Netflix and chill does not make you happy and you would rather spend half a decade working out at the gym and focusing on improving your mental health then similarly, good for you. Like I said right at the beginning, the twenties is a time of discovery. Hopefully you will find what really makes you happy in your twenties, but you may (and probably will) find that change in the decades to come. Embrace the changes as you age and blow the candles on your birthday cake out with excitement instead of dread.