On Confronting Abusers

(TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of sexual, psychological, and emotional abuse)

There are two main ways people will usually deal with confronting one’s abuser: either by meeting and talking with the person or walking away, seemingly unscathed. I had the chance—or misfortune, I truly do not know—to confront both of my past abusers and I got wildly different reactions out of it.

As an activist writer, I will both share and analyze my experiences, firstly because I believe talking about one’s misadventures can prevent and help others, but also because I want to bring the topic of emotional abuse to light. We sadly tend to read more about women being physically and sexually abused, but the psychological and emotional parts of abuse can often be left in the shadows due to their intangible nature and our lack of education on these subjects.

The two abusive relationships I had were 1-5 years ago (I won’t be precise when it comes to timings in regards to anonymity and because, let’s just say, some of the characters are legally sensitive). Both lasted about a year and a half. I am 22 at the moment, so I was younger and less wise than I can claim to be now, although I still have much to learn.

The first relationship with T had issues from the get-go. He was an adult while I was still a minor, with three years separating us. As an adult, I believe that once both parties are in a "stable" situation where no other adult can be at an advantage compared to the other (for example, one is a university student and the other is well into their professional life), age gaps can become relatively irrelevant.

In the country I reside in, the law could be more protective. The sexual majority is 15 years-old, meaning after you’ve reached that age, you can theoretically consent to have sex, even with an adult (only if said adult does not have an ascendant over the minor, like family or authority). Legally, if you’re still a minor, if there is any aggression or rape, the sentences are heavier than what they can be for those same crimes on adults.

Now that I have reached the age that T was at the time of our relationship, I realized that I would never be attracted to a minor. It feels extremely wrong and it is, almost all the time. I encountered a 16-year-old on a dating app (who was pretending to be 18 there) and as soon as he revealed the information, I stopped the conversation. Adults with totally “pure” intentions toward minors are way too rare to be considered a given.

Telling young people to be careful and never enter a relationship with an adult is pointless. Society wired us to believe that dating an older guy is “cool” and that we can do more than our counterparts of the same age. Spoiler: I know very few of these relationships that ended well. So, as an older girl who got through one with the thought that I was “mature” for my age, to all the younger girls that will read this, this guy is not worth it. He is not worth part, or all, of your mental health. Even if your friends tell you that it is “so dope” that he gives you attention, even if it gives you some momentary validation of your desirability. You will have all of your life as a woman to worry about your desirability, and society doesn’t help. Mingle with guys your age, or don’t. Live your young years working on you, don’t mind boys too much. They’re not worth all the headaches they can bring.

I wish someone would have told me all of that. Maybe it will have prevented me from going into two relationships I ultimately did not want. I know I should not have to say that to my younger peers, since they’re the only victims in the matter. But since changing the mindset of the - potential - abusers is an extremely long and difficult process, I think warning the ones who can be saved is already an important step.

I won’t go into lengthy details about my first relationship with T, primarily because I do not remember a lot about it (traumatic amnesia’s handy work), and also because I believe the only relevant information is our age difference and the fact that he abused me sexually multiple times (but he also had problematic behaviors towards me). I did not know better at that time about what he had done. I did not realize right away that he assaulted me, because I did not know, and could not fathom, that partners in a romantic relationship could be sexual abusers.

I ended up asking T to meet up after four years without any contact. I responded to an e-mail he sent me three years prior, and I continued to use emails to communicate with him during the entire process of seeing him, one last time to set the record straight. I was ready to throw hands, but it turned out I didn’t need to. T was surprisingly chill throughout the whole thing, maybe a bit too much for my taste, and admitted without any problem to his faults and told me how he tried to make up for them, even though he had no means to contact me. He mentioned how he wanted to reimburse my mental health bills of all sorts, but I did not accept, as I did not want to maintain any link to the guy.

I won’t say that T became the safest of them all, but he definitely had time to think about all that happened and he was capable of admitting he did wrong and regretted it. He apologized, which was, in the end, what I wanted, and needed to move forward. Afterward, he asked me if we could start to see each other again (as friends I believe), but I refused. I did not wish to have him in my life, and thus successfully established a boundary. Needless to say, my therapist and I were proud. Even though the meeting exhausted me, I felt better and relieved of some weight. I could breathe again.

This was, somehow, the best outcome this kind of meeting could have. I now refer to it as “the okay plus” version of a confrontation. But I also had, sadly, the other kind of meeting. “the worst kind” version.

This encounter happened more recently than the other one, so obviously, I’ll have more details to bring, but also because I finally understand the thing I couldn’t put my finger on for so long during this second relationship and most recent meeting.

Y could be the definition of having a silver spoon; he was born in a big European city, had rich parents, and attended private school. Aside from getting harassed in middle school, which is in no way an excuse to act as he did (because—shocker—I was too and I don’t think I abused any of my previous boyfriends), Y had it pretty good. He was part of the popular kids when I met him and had been roughened up by a girl before he met me. She made him believe something could happen between the two of them when really she had no intention of having any kind of relationship with him.

I was his first real girlfriend, and it showed. He was love bombing me in the beginning (consciously or not, love bombing is the act of showing a lot—too much really—of attention, gifts, PDA, everything that could make a person get attached more quickly), which did not work in the long run considering I have a secure attachment style, unlike him. After not even a month in the relationship, Y gave me an expensive gift for my birthday, but it turned out it didn’t fit me and I did not like it anyway, so I got off pretty okay. He also took me to two great European cities in luxury hotels. In one of the latter, he punched a headboard because I could not have sex with him after having a tetany attack due to trauma.

This, right here, was not the first sign he could be abusive and did not know how to handle his emotions. Y already threw some objects on the ground or against a wall, which resulted in damage to said objects or walls. When he was in an emotionally unbalanced place, I would be an emotional punching ball, as I stayed silent most of the time. One of his complaints was that I did not communicate enough. To Y’s defense, I indeed did not, but more because I think I did not feel safe while putting all those deep emotions of mine out there with him.

Let’s talk briefly about my traumas, which were extremely showing as this second relationship went on. To be fair, I had the hardest time trying to harness those demons at that time of my life. I was not in a safe environment and everything I did was judged (this, I only learned as of this year’s encounter) and/or reported to him to some extent, even after the relationship was over.

I had been abused by my ex T and realized it two months after getting into a relationship with this guy. When Y learned this, T became his worst enemy. Remember the headboard? That was for T, because he hated him so much and, as he said to me this year, he was “so sure the relationship would have lasted longer if I had not been with T.” Honestly, I do not believe the same.

After nearly a year in this relationship, the lockdown in my country gave me time to think and realize I was already over with it. After pondering endlessly and convincing myself that I needed to wait until I could see him face to face to drop the news to him, I announced it and we had a discussion and the both of us decided that we could wait a bit more and see. During that “wait and see” period, I was not as invested and attracted to him as before. Sub-text: I did not want to see him or have intercourse with him as much. Which is fairly normal, considering I was the one who originally wanted to break up.

This situation fostered frustration on his part, which I can understand. But what he did about it was not okay at all. One day in spring when we were seeing each other at mine, Y broke into tears and had a panic attack. The reason? We are not having intercourse anymore.

Let that sink in. For a second.

While I can understand the frustration this type of situation can bring, it is in no way a reason to act like a child and throw a tantrum. This can very categorically be described as emotional manipulation, or even emotional blackmail if you want to take it a step further.

We ended up having intercourse after that, due to my guilt and my emotional numbness caused by having to handle his inability to act like a reasonable adult, and it felt like a violation. He had unknowingly (or knowingly, I’ll never know) taken advantage of my sensitivity and my emotional state at the time. Shortly after this event, I decided to end the relationship by text. This, coupled with my anxiety to receive any kind of contact from him, became too much to bear.

The meeting of last year was everything you can expect from someone who, I can understand, has suffered to a certain extent, but does not know about feminism as Y pretended. If he did, he would know that when a woman talks about her experiences, especially the traumatic ones involving herself, it is best to listen and try to be empathetic instead of making it about you (that goes of course for everyone, men or women, or anyone in or out of the spectrum).

Aside from all the hurt and his claims that I was allegedly “unstable and egocentric” (that can be translated as “traumatized and closed off”), he realized the impressive performance of talking about himself 80% of the almost four hours we spent together, in which he proceeded to try to gaslight me, slut-shame me, trigger me with words he knew could get to me, dismiss his actions to “blunders,” threaten to sue me for defamation (when I never gave any information that could directly identify him) and he tried to make me “behave as a better victim”. All that while keeping his discourse about how he was the wronged one and his dramatics (Y could talk all he wanted about his experiences with girls after me but as soon as I mentioned a guy, Y would frown and be like “I am not comfortable with this”).

When all I wanted was for him to acknowledge that he hurt me in the past, and for him to apologize. But I guess his—fragile—ego was more important than that, as he was seeking validation from me the whole time when we were not in direct conflict, for the last two and a half hours of our meeting.

If you feel uncomfortable or revolted by this second story, I got my point across. Emotional abuse is tricky and it can take many insidious shapes and colors. I do not even think Y knows he did that, but if he does, that makes him one of the scummiest beings you could encounter.

It is complicated to realize that one has suffered from emotional and psychological abuse because these types of abuse leave no trace, no marks, nothing tangible except in our minds. It took me two whole years to recognize what Y did, and what he tried to pull again during our encounter. But jokes on him, because except for my breakdown (I am sadly not invincible, and crying in front of that guy was not in my plans), he did not get through. He did not get to me, not that he did back then when I was in a much more precarious position. That is on attachment style, baby.

So, all “jokes” aside, what can we learn from these encounters?

First, always remember it is okay to want to confront your abusers. Whether you want to go through with it is up to you. You might not think you are up for it, I had to wait for years until I gathered the courage and the strength to actually send the messages. And even so, one went okay and the other one horribly. Sometimes, the one who did you the worst will end up being the one who acts “the best.” From this sentence, we can unveil a second point.

It is okay to demonize the person who caused your traumas. Often, it is a way for us to cope with what happened. I was certain for years that T was the worst person on the planet, when in fact he was just a lost young adult that did not have the proper education on consent. Does it make what he did forgivable and acceptable? Not at all, but he was not the bad guy I expected. He had been the bad guy in my head for so long that I made it my reality when it was more complicated than that. But it took me years to be able to accept this possibility.

As a third point, it is possible that it will not go as you wish, it is even more probable. You might get your hopes up, you might think you will end up fighting. Trust your instincts. I almost knew from the get-go that the encounter with Y would be difficult, despite the gap of “severity” in the traumas caused by each guy.

Next, leave when you can’t get your point across or you feel like you are wasting your time. I ended up spending two hours and a half with a guy I did not want to see originally, just because he exhausted me mentally to the point where I cried from frustration. I was on autopilot mode and wanted to eat after all this riffraff and he wanted to talk more. Bad decisions, I know. I never wanted to see my then-partner more than anything during some moments of this encounter.

Lastly, I cannot lie and say that it is easy. It is not. I was stressed and anxious each time and did not particularly enjoy the process. But it brings closure; now I know one is becoming a decent human being and one is remaining at the jerk stage; I got to lose a demon and get an annoying fella out of my life.

Even if it was a pain to get by, I am glad I did it. Now I enjoy my peace of mind and my own company a lot more.

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