Significant Others or PR managers?

Is it just me or are ‘lover’ and ‘public relations expert’ synonymous these days?

I’ve always considered myself lucky to have extremely close friendships— the zero boundary, complete honesty, zero filter type. Tons of analyzing, gossiping, roasting, open book kinds of friendships where friends would talk about anything from playing with their earwax to their parents felonies. From the beginning of high school when these conversations would first come up, to being in my twenties and building the same types of connections with new friends, I cherish these relationships and always will. However, there seems to be one thing that just isn’t translated the same way as everything else: our lives with our significant others.

It’s been a very slow realization, but I’m now fairly certain that this reality manifests itself in many different ways. Maybe it’s a friend, who calls really torn up from an ongoing fight she’s been having with her boyfriend, and talks him up in a group chat the same night like nothing ever happened. Maybe it’s someone bringing up the fact that her and her significant other almost broke up over something, a month after the fight took place. Maybe it’s me, being exceptionally choosy about what arguments I tell my friends about.

Even the great, yet sometimes problematic, Carrie Bradshaw told her friends she was thinking of spending two days off from her husband per week. It had been because she felt like as a couple they were getting too boring and Big wasn’t on the same page as her. What did she say when her friends asked why they were considering that? “Oh nothing’s going on, it’s just that we don’t have kids and have the freedom so why not take some space every so often.” She then went and kissed her ex-boyfriend that night, clearly indicating the much deeper issue. 

And let’s say we do open up, probably when the issue is at its boiling point and we’re having trouble suppressing it as we normally would, we’re so quick to cover up the flood gates with piles of positivity. Someone vents about a friend and the response to a follow-up question a few days later is “It’s gotten better, probably still some stuff to work through.” Someone vents about a significant other and the response to a follow-up question is “Oh, that? Completely fixed I can’t even remember the details anymore. They’ve also been so sweet recently did I show you a picture of the dinner spread they set up for me?”

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Obviously, this isn’t about wallowing in the negatives and I’m certainly not saying we should all feel the need to let our friends in on something that doesn’t feel comfortable to share. However, we know from talking about other areas of our lives that venting and seeking advice from the people we trust can work wonders for problem solving and our overall mental health. So for this reason, I’m posing the question, why can it feel so distinctly uncomfortable to open up about problems we face in our relationships? 

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For one, and probably the most obvious component, we want people to think positively of our significant others. I don’t think this is always as selfish as it sounds though. Yes, it makes someone look better if they have a seemingly quality significant other, but everyone knows it’s also just so much more enjoyable for everyone when all parties get along. You love your friends and you want them to have fun around the person you bring around. But, how come it seems like you can vent to your friends about a family member or someone who was being an asshole and know that you’ll all still be able to enjoy each other’s company at the end of the day? What’s so much more uncomfortable about the first time your significant other comes around after you were complaining about them?

Secondly, and how I believe this whole thing started manifesting in my life, we can start by not wanting to talk about the good things. Naturally, people are quick to complain before talking about what’s good in the world. But when it comes to your significant other, sometimes that means not talking about the good, and then not talking about the bad in fear of sending the wrong message. When I got into my first serious relationship, I didn’t want to be a person who doesn’t stop talking about his or her s/o. Moreover, it’s not likely that friends will all be in the same place regarding relationship statuses. Especially in our twenties, fuckboys/fuckgirls/fuckpeople are constantly on the loose — when you find a good one, there’s no need to blabber on about it. So, when my boyfriend and I first started having problems, no one really knew all the reasons he was worth keeping around. It made things a lot more complicated for me. From then on, I started not talking about the good like I had been, but also talking a whole lot less about the bad so that no one got the wrong impression of him. 

Another component, we obviously really care about, respect, and admire our lovers. Quite biologically, we want the best for them and when we talk to our friends about problems in the relationship, we know their points of view will take the backseat. If we take a moment to speak for their side, we can get told we’re “making excuses for them” or get made to feel weak. But, there is also the possibility that we do find ourselves making excuses for them— see section above about wanting our friends to think positively about our significant others. Worst of all, this gets even more complicated because even though we want our friends to be fair game, it’s not always easy when they actually take our partners’ sides. Ultimately, in fear of dealing with all this, we don’t bring things up.

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So, we know there are these circumstances, out of dozens more, that make it really hard to actually be open about our love lives no matter how close we are to the audience. But what can we do with this information? There’s something very characteristically different about expressing issues concerning our significant others. Coming from a girl who’s borderline obsessed with her friendships, I never foresaw it being difficult in the least to open up about boy problems. While exploring this topic for me has been daunting for these reasons, we have to start somewhere, so let’s start with this —

We’re all fucking up all the time. Yes, people fuck up because they’re younger with less experience, but so do older people because love is really the most precious things you can get a hold of. Sometimes, when we’re lucky enough to feel it, we don’t know how to handle it and we make mistakes — many of which are fear based. Or maybe problems arise because, believe it or not, the joining of two people who may have completely different backgrounds and experiences isn’t actually seamless. And of course we feel intense love with our friends and family, but there are parts of ourselves that we don’t put on those people’s shoulders. Romantic love is different. Romantic love is hard. Romantic love is not always romantic. 

Of course, that’s not to say we don’t want to closely watch out for our love being outshined by hurtful behaviors and overpowering arguments. More the reason to normalize relationship-problem sharing is because in a world where you can feel more comfortable seeking advice, it’s more clear if there could be something toxic about the issue or relationship preventing you from confidently doing so. But when we’re in healthy relationships, it can be embraced that we’re all fighting for something in our own right, and that it’s okay. In fact, it’s important because some things are hella worth fighting for and there’s no need to be ashamed of that process.

I certainly don’t expect anyone to read this and then go texting a group chat with a dozen people in it the next time he/she gets into an argument with a significant other. Often, reaching out isn’t necessary if you don’t need support or know you can work it out yourself. Sometimes, you don’t feel like opening up in general or are arguing about something that has to do with the other person’s personal life. If you’re recently finding yourself in the friend position, this isn’t about normalizing problem sharing to the extent that it clouds your judgement (please keep being real to your friends if they’re getting treated like shit!). But for all of us, let’s continue to reflect on the communicative patterns that play into all of our relationships— with our loved ones, but also our relationships with ourselves. Overall, let’s take advantage of the fact that we can always find comfort in our shared experiences, valuable insights from the people we trust, and at the end of the day are truly never alone.

Art by Pamela Colman Smith