Makeup is Changing My Identity
Every morning when I wake up, I reach for a makeup brush before I reach for a plate of breakfast. “I’ll eat later,” I tell my mother who knows about my unhealthy priorities. And sometimes I do eat, sometimes I don’t.
There’s some power behind makeup. The way you can make your face be as natural as possible with simple products or you can go in a completely different route, instead choosing to alter facial features into something completely new. I prefer a healthy mixture of both. Adding a flush of color to my cheeks while also trying to make my Filipino nose a bit smaller. Covering up problem spots but trying not to overdo it in an attempt to say “Yes I have acne, and it’s completely normal. I don’t need to cover it up to feel pretty!”
The way that I see it, and the other people may see it, I have two identities. The first, I have named “The Fake Me.” She’s the girl that I wake up to every morning and the girl I fall asleep with. Messy hair, not so fashionable clothes from years ago that double as pajamas, and absolutely no makeup. I am relieved from the pressure I place on myself to be as perfect as I can while simultaneously suffering through it all.
The second girl, I think of as “The Real Me.” She’s real me because I channel all of my good energy into her. Each product I apply to my face I think of as another layer of confidence. She’s the strong, motivated, ambitious me that I strive to be better at each day. She’s the girl that proves she’s worthy of the “Who’s most likely to change the world” card that I automatically get handed every For The Girls game night.
It’s a system I’ve grown to love and hate, but never really understand? How does something as simple as colorful products I blow almost all my money on turn me into the person I present myself as?
I only started wearing makeup daily when the COVID-19 quarantine hit. Every day felt like the same useless slump and to make myself feel like a real person I would do my hair, put on an outfit that I could confidently walk outside with, and apply a little makeup. Nothing much. Just some concealer for my eye bags, blush for my cheeks, and some mascara. It helped me get motivated and feel like I was good enough to stay on task with school work and any other projects I begrudgingly took up during the quarantine. And that’s about the earliest I can pinpoint “The Real Me.” When I would look into the mirror, I would see a pretty girl which gave me confidence which then allowed me to be productive throughout the day. It’s a bit weird but it all boils down to: Makeup = Motivation and Productivity. And when my parents began to question why I was wearing makeup each day if I never left the house I would just respond with “It makes me feel better.” Parents being parents they argued back on how the previous year I barely wore makeup and was fine going to school with a bare face. But honestly, last year me didn’t actually know how to do makeup so I can’t really be compared to that.
However, on the fun occasion that I would wake up with absolutely no drive to get out of bed, I excused myself from the 30 minutes to 1 hour that I set aside each day to create “The Real Me.” Instead, deciding to stay in the baggy pajamas, keep my hair tied up, and bare-faced. The typical “lazy girl” you might find on Pinterest boards but I assure you I looked nothing like that. These were the days I barely left my bed. The days I would scroll aimlessly through my phone and stare at the ceiling. A few times, I would drag myself out to see if doing my makeup routine would make me feel better. But when I finished, I could always still see my eyebags and tons of pimples. My face was all puffy and my lips looked dry and I felt like I a zombie straight from The Walking Dead. And this was how I defined “The Fake Me.”
I still wear makeup everyday. It does not matter if I have anywhere to go or if I’m just staying home. It’s a habit for me. There’s some peace in it too. Getting to sit in front of my vanity and smooth products onto my face with brushes and other tools makes me feel like I’m a princess in a Disney movie. It’s like the calm before the storm. The quiet time I get to myself before attending Zoom classes for hours and hours on end. Or before I’m rushed out of the house with my too loud and too distressing family. Makeup has changed my identity. I like myself with makeup on. As much as a teenage girl can like themselves self with the constant reminder over your head that there’s probably someone out there that’s better. I tend to put on my makeup as early in the morning as possible. I do it before eating or reviewing materials for class because I need to get into that “Real Me” mindset as quickly as I can. I only take it off late at night when I know I’m going to bed immediately after I step out of the bathroom. My view of myself gets a little bit more distorted each time I walk into a Sephora or Ulta but if it’s in a good way or a bad way, who knows? Maybe it’s unhealthy but I thank the little tubes and bottles and palettes and brushes that get to shape me into the type of person that I want to be.
Photography by Francesca Matta, “Garde le pour Toi” series