Love Potions, That Messy Ex, and Vibrators: PILOT answers all your questions about love & sex
Hi there! Phoebe and Kelly here from PILOT’s Love & Sex Department. For our Pre-Valentine’s Day Instagram takeover, we asked you, our readers, what you wanted to know. Here we’ve compiled your questions on just about everything: love, sex, relationships, dating, loneliness, and picking your first vibrator.
Q: When you are initially interested in someone, is it better to simp or play hard to get?
PHOEBE: In my experience, it’s ideal to find a balance : hardcore simping can come across as (at best) overbearing or (at worst) super creepy, but feigning disinterest comes off immature as you get into adult relationships--or may even have the object of your affections write you off as truly uninterested. It’s fun to flirt and play coy in different ways, but also don’t be afraid to be honest about your interest. You’re far more likely to get what you want--or at least get an honest answer in return--if you are clear about your interest. Plus, it’s really fucking nice to know that someone is openly, forwardly, unabashedly into you.
Q: How do you get someone to like you?
KELLY: Option A: Realize that you are asking the wrong question, dear inquirer! Life should never be about winning the admiration, approval, or love (yes, even love!) of another. Love yourself and have faith in the laws of attraction, which are largely out of your control. Or, Option B: Love potion. Can’t go wrong with either one.
Q: Should I date someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as me? Whether it is political, ethical or religious?
PHOEBE: It’s less a question, I think, of should and more of can I date someone who doesn’t share my beliefs? Some people thrive on being challenged in their intimate relationships and find positive change and growth through sharing their time, mind, and body with someone who sees the world very differently from them. Some people find that this causes intolerable tension and stress that degrades the emotional connection between themselves and a partner. This can of course change from relationship to relationship, from partner to partner, and even from issue to issue. You may find that you can connect with a partner over conflicting interpretations of Kantian ethics but find differing beliefs on practices of eugenics to be a non-starter. Banning yourself entirely from dating outside of your beliefs closes you off from potential sources of growth and reinforces the idea that you have all the “right” views. Should you probably stay away from intimate relationships with people who hold beliefs that are harmful to yourself or others? Of course. But rather than cut yourself off from all other views, continually ask yourself: are the differences between my partner and I sources of illumination or sources of suffering? And go from there.
Q: I’ve been single for 6 years. Any advice?
KELLY: One piece of advice is to stop counting! People can be fulfilled and find happiness alone — yourself included. Relationships never solve problems, they can only enhance blessings. As for the other piece, putting yourself out there is the tried and true solution. Circumstances are unique right now, but engaging in communities of interest and showing up will almost always improve your chances of meeting someone. I’m guilty of forgetting this a lot — no matter how patient you are, true love won’t fall into your lap! Try to stay open to new experiences, however unfamiliar and daunting. Make conversation, be kind, and learn to love where you’re at in life. Think of it as one long journey. It’s not six years alone, it’s six years spent growing and becoming the person someone will adore and cherish.
Q: Is it ever okay to sleep with an ex?
PHOEBE: Ever? Sure! Always? Maybe not. Reconnecting with an ex can be exciting and satisfying—a rekindling of an emotional and sexual connection without the work of getting to know someone new! Maybe you still care for and trust them. But you should always think about the past and the future. They’re your ex for a reason: if that reason is that you broke up amicably due to a cross-country move, it’s probably fine! If you broke up because they cheated on you, maybe avoid it. Consider how you will feel about the hook up a week, a month, or a year out: is it going to be a fond memory of a fun night, or is it going to reopen old wounds or create new ones? The final decision is always up to present you, but take a moment to check in with past and future you when deciding if the sex is going to be worth it.
Q: Dealing with the struggles of interracial relationships?
KELLY: I just try to remind myself that a relationship is between the people who are actually participating in it — not their family, not their friends, and certainly not assholes in the street or on the internet. Easier said than done, but you have to guard your relationship like the sacred thing it is. Keep your eyes on the prize.
Q: Socially-distanced date ideas for couples!
PHOEBE:
Cook or bake a recipe you’ve been wanting to try out
Paint (use a paint by numbers or freestyle it!)
Go for a walk or a hike
Have a marathon of a new tv show so you can experience it together
Create your own wine or beer tasting by each choosing a few selections
Get super dressed up & order takeout to eat on the floor
Stare into each other’s eyes for 10 minutes
Do the 36 Questions That Lead To Love study
Q: Why is it impossible for me to make a connection with someone through online dating?
KELLY: I am with you in this one! I’ve tried a number of dating apps but have never been able to enjoy the conversations. They feel incredibly shallow. I also find myself putting up a front — there’s tremendous pressure to frame yourself perfectly. Picking out your best photos, writing and rewriting a simple message, calculating your response time vs. their’s, trying to play it cool but still seem interested...IRL you just talk, you know? It’s easy, casual, and less exhausting for sure. Dating app burnout is real.
The answer comes down to: many of us want to experience something more organic, meaningful, and non-performative. Dating apps try to mimic romance, but never fully succeed. I can’t offer a solution, unfortunately, but I am definitely lending you empathy.
Q: How do I introduce kink to my relationship?
PHOEBE: Admitting you’re interested in kink in an established non-kinky relationship can feel super scary--what if your partner isn’t interested, or worse, thinks it’s weird? But here’s the thing: I’ve talked to very few people who don’t at least have a curiosity about exploring some level of kink.
The best thing to do is start talking about it, & it doesn’t have to be too intense! Start by mentioning an interest in some light scratching or light restraints--you can work up to flogging or suspension later.
A good starting point is a kink checklist (you can find lots with a google search). You and your partner(s) can each fill one out and compare (it’s a fun date night, I promise ;) Be honest. Neither of you has to do anything that’s a hard limit, but you might find you have more in common than you expected.
It also helps to find some other people in a kink community to talk to! If you have a friend you know is kinky, ask if they’re willing to share some advice. Or do a foray into the many online communities where you can be completely anonymous.
Q: Best vibrator/sex toy advice for a beginner?
PHOEBE: Find an education-oriented sex shop near you! If there isn’t one near you, may I recommend Early to Bed in Chicago? They’ve got a huge selection of toys to choose from & have a section on toy tips on their website, including an article on picking your first vibe.
Think about what kind of stimulation and intensity you want from your toys, and don’t invest too much money in a single toy until you have an idea of what you like. I personally recommend the Posh Dual Action, but do some browsing and see what catches your eye. Whenever I’m shopping for a new toy, I always go with the one that I can’t stop thinking about.
Q: Continuing as friends with an ex you still have feelings for?
KELLY: Personally, I can’t say I support staying friends with an ex you’re still in love with. When we choose to do something like that, we are not choosing at all — it’s like leaving the door open a smidge open on your way out. How can we even begin to heal when we are still standing outside with our ear pressed to the wall, trying to decipher every sound we hear? “Do they miss me? Are they seeing someone else? Are they angry with me?” You may not even be aware you’re doing it!
I would strongly advise you to take a step back and put some distance between yourself and a closed chapter. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends later! It just means friendship isn’t what you need right now. The love doctors from PILOT are prescribing you time and space apart.
Q: How to keep your chill when seeing someone new you are really excited about?
PHOEBE: Uh, don’t?
I mean, don’t let yourself be consumed by a new relationship, no matter how exciting. Make intentional time to maintain friendships and hobbies. Set aside focused time for work & personal projects. Keep parts of your life for yourself and don’t invite your new partner in.
But also, let yourself feel fully, wildly, extravagantly excited about having someone new in your life.
Q: How can I be a better flirt? I always get nervous and weirdly formal around cute people :(
PHOEBE: Oof, I do the opposite and get way too open and goofy, but one of the things that has helped me is practice! Just like anything else, you get better as you do it more. It also helps to find your brand of flirting: maybe you can lean into being formal! Does it let the cute people know you’re interested & does it garner their interest in return? Then it’s good flirting.
Q: Sex on first date. He seems emotionally unavailable. Still want to date him. Help?
KELLY: I am a chronic chaser of unavailable beaus (see: my That’s My Type! article) and it has never, ever worked out in my favor, or anyone’s favor, honestly. Many times, unavailable partners feel guilty or empathetic, but never responsible. Plus, if he’s being upfront, he has no reason to. (If he hasn’t…red flag.)
There are fun moments, sweet gestures, genuinely happy stretches of time — but things will always snap back to the emotional default that is so characteristic of these complicated affairs: anxiety, insecurity, hurt, and dissatisfaction. If you’re looking for something specific (like a committed relationship) and he is indicating that he’s not available for that, take it as a sign from the universe and dodge the bullet.
Q: How to keep long distance relationships strong?
PHOEBE: Find a routine, but also acknowledge that you may not always meet it, particularly if you are in very different time zones when matching up your schedules can be really hard. Find ways to emulate physical and sexual intimacy--sexting is a great option, but it also helps to do things like watch a movie together and put your video chat screens close to your faces so you can each see your partner’s reactions from an appropriately awkward angle.
Long-distance relationships are hard--don’t pretend that they’re not. Be honest & upfront that your needs & availability may fluctuate. It always helps to check in regularly about how things are going, and be forgiving to yourself and your partner when you can’t meet the same standards you’re used to with in-person relationships.
Q: Hey PILOT, what’s a good spontaneous Valentine’s Day gift?
KELLY: Depends on their love language! Mine happens to be literally gift giving. My roommate is always coming up with the sweetest presents — little things that don’t cost much, but reference inside jokes or the things she knows I quietly love. I couldn’t tell you how much they mean to me. If their love language is touch, an impromptu massage might be a dream. If it’s acts of service, consider running some of their dreaded errands or tidying up the home. The beauty of spontaneous love is less quantifiable by money or extravagance — it’s more important that your gift shows you know them, and think of them.
Q: Best advice for a lonely V-Day?
PHOEBE: Valentine’s Day means as much or as little as you want it to. And in its current iteration, it is steeped in consumerism & cultural pressure. With a partner, it can be a good excuse or reminder to indulge in romance & passion. But if you’re alone, it can trigger a lot of negative emotions.
Treat yourself to doing something you love. Have your favorite takeout, hang out with someone you care about if possible (friend or family, in-person or virtually), get lost in a murder mystery tv show or book, have a solo dance party, take a long bath or shower. Or if it helps you more, get angry! If you need to scream, get it out. If you need to rant, keep a journal (or tell it to your “Close Friends” story.)
Q: How to mentally move on from a relationship that ended abruptly and painfully?
KELLY: A good question with no real good answer. We all grieve differently; some of us need to splash out on a bottle and paint the town, others need to sit quietly in a cold, dark place somewhere with the windows — literal and emotional — boarded up high. No matter how our hurt manifests, it’s always going to be graceless, and ugly, and embarrassing, and intolerable.
Understanding that you are in pain, and that there is no way to get over it without getting through it first, is the first step. You can’t hack/con/cheat your way out of being sad. It’ll also take time. The only thing you can do in the meanwhile is to avoid sabotaging your healing process — don’t distract yourself in self-destructive ways or get tangled up in no-good situationships. And for the love of god, do not get back together.
Q: What advice would you give to someone who is coming into their queer identity?
PHOEBE: Give yourself time and space to explore, learn, investigate, grow, change, evolve, question.
I didn’t begin to truly examine my queerness (beyond some brushed off wonderings and experimentations in middle school) until I was 21. I still don’t know how I define that identity for myself, I just know it exists. It changes from day to, just as I do.
Enjoy the full range of experiences that interest you. Your queer identity is just that, YOURS, and it is not something that constrains you but frees you to be more yourself. Don’t impose limits or a timeline on defining your queerness.
KELLY: Be patient and kind to yourself. Embracing a new label can feel extremely liberating, but can also feel like you’re now suddenly taking on a bunch of other identifiers and expectations as well. We all navigate identity, love, sex, and life differently. We all need different things to feel safe and seen. You may find you want to dive headfirst into everything it means to be queer and be beautifully loud and proud! Or, you may find the prospect of coming out publicly to all your friends and family terrifying and invasive! Both are OK. Some combination of the two are OK. It is all OK.
The important thing to know is that your queer identity is yours. Nobody else has a say in what that entails. Being queer doesn’t have to change anything. It can also change everything. That is your decision to make.
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Photography by Daryl Nacario (@nacariodaryl)