Call Me, Beep Me, If U Wanna…
In the time of Covid-19, we have to redefine “safe sex.” Luckily, the framework for fulfilling socially distanced sex already exists and can do a lot for us on top of keeping us healthy.
When you think of sex, what is the first image that comes to mind? Most likely, whatever image you conjured was happening between two or more partners, in person. It probably wasn’t something happening virtually. But right now, we’re living in a time when in-person sex isn’t the medically or ethically safest activity for many people. So as someone who has been enjoying virtual sex for years, sometimes even more than in-person sex, I wanted to make the case for it as an option for sex that everyone should have in their arsenal whether or not we’re in the middle of a global pandemic.
If your reaction to that last sentence was, more than in-person sex????? Blasphemy! Let me give you some insight as to why. One of my earliest sexual experiences was carrying on a nearly two-month-long sexual relationship entirely virtually, so I learned a lot about who I was as a sexual person through that experience.
While that relationship was restricted to virtual sex, I found myself going a lot “further” and feeling more comfortable in my in-person sexual experiences after it ended because the degree of separation in the virtual sex gave me the opportunity to explore and reflect on my own pleasure and desires within a sexual relationship without the pressure of in-person sex. In my early explorations, I found it difficult to fully give consideration to what I wanted and was comfortable with during sex--something I’ve gotten better at but certainly still struggle with--particularly when I have partners in my physical space. The expectations and scripts that we’ve learned from media and social conditioning tend to take over, and I follow them unthinkingly. But when sex is happening over text or Snapchat, that pressure disappears to an extent. I’m still able to enjoy a sexual connection with another person, but the nature of virtual sex also requires me to focus on myself as, at the end of the day, I’m the one pleasuring myself, so I’m in control.
With a content warning for sexual violence here, virtual sex also allows me to “test drive” potential hookups without putting myself physically in situations that I’m uncomfortable with. I have to be honest that I both love hookups and am scared of them. Especially when it’s someone I’ve met on a dating app or through social media and am meeting for the first time, I never know how it’s going to go. Sexting allows me to scope out a new partner to see if I would enjoy sex with them, how they speak about sex, and how they treat me as a sexual partner. For as many times as I’ve had fantastic virtual sex, I’ve also been in the middle of sexting and realized that if I was having sex with my partner in person, I would feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. But by testing the waters with virtual sex, I never put myself in a situation that I couldn’t get out of with them. And I am a cisgender woman who is attracted to men, but this doesn’t just apply to that situation! This has been a useful tool for me when I’m sexting with people of all gender identities! Everyone deserves to feel safe with their sexual partners regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, and it’s devastating that we can’t have that all the time, but this is a strategy that I use to give myself the best and safest sexual experiences possible.
On the pleasant side, virtual sex has allowed me to indulge in fantasies I may be unsure about, taught me to be more communicative with sexual partners, and is sometimes just easier than in-person sex! For example, I had a virtual sex partner who wanted me to be the more dominant one in the relationship, a role I have historically, shall we say, not been interested in. If we had been having sex in person, I expect I would have frozen up at this suggestion. But over text, I was able to take the time to consider how to play that part for them and found myself enjoying it immensely. And many of us either don’t learn how to talk about sex or learn, through social conditioning, that it’s uncomfortable or awkward to talk about. However, sexting (good sexting, at least) requires you to be extremely explicit about what you’re doing, what you want, and what you are thinking about, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes to do over text and in person.
Finally, sometimes getting dressed, traveling to meet a partner, deciding whose place you’re going to, being in someone else’s space or having someone in your space, deciding if you’re spending the night or not, and getting home or sending your partner home is exciting! But sometimes it’s exhausting. But you still want sex! Virtual sex is amazing for this because you have the flirty build-up if you want, you have a great orgasm with a partner, but you don’t have to do all the prep and travel, and when you’re done, you close Snapchat, clean up, and get on with your life. What can take hours in person is done in as much time as it actually takes you to cum.
So now you’ve read all this, and you’re like, yes, virtual sex is for me! How do you get started? Initiating virtual sex can look many different ways, just like initiating in-person sex. With some people, it can be just asking, “do you want to sext?” Sometimes it can be a more gentle slide into sex--think of the texting equivalent of light touches and looking deeply into a person’s eyes. The classic trope is a “what are you wearing?” text, which is certainly overused at this point, but the idea behind it is actually my favorite way to get into virtual sex. It’s finding a natural segue in your conversation into innuendo, taking it further if the other person responds well. Another good strategy I use if I’m specifically looking for virtual sex, is including something explicit about sex in my dating app profile. Right now, it’s “Let’s make sure we’re on the same page about reciprocal oral sex.” That more often than not leads into conversations with my matches about sex, which are easy to turn into virtual sex if they’re interested. Or if you want to be fairly obvious about it, just ask someone if they want to Snap. That always means sexting.
A friend recently asked me, how do you initiate virtual sex without coming off as creepy? My advice: stop thinking of it as so different from in-person sex. Most people wouldn’t show up to a first meeting completely naked or walk up to a stranger and say, “Show me your (tits, dick, pussy, etc.)” but are perfectly happy to slide into a new match’s DMs with a nude or explicit demands. Sure, it’s a little harder without body language to read, but feel out the vibe, my dudes. If you’re flirting back and forth or talking about sex, romance, or intimacy, you’re probably good to go with maybe an “I’d love to touch you” or a coy shirtless/lingerie selfie. And if the person doesn’t respond or makes it clear that you misread the situation, apologize! And then don’t try again! Sometimes, that ends the connection. It happens. Move on, try again.
So that’s hookups covered, but what if you’re in a relationship and virtual sex isn’t part of your regular repertoire? You probably already talk about sex with your partner(s), so think about bringing it up as something you want to try. Or if you know they’d be comfortable receiving a sext without warning, next time you’re in the mood and they aren’t there, tell them over text or send a picture. For me, there is nothing that makes me want to be with a partner more than sending and receiving those kinds of texts unexpectedly...and usually I can’t see them immediately, so we get all that sweet, sweet build-up that makes the next time we see each other all the better.
The other question I get a lot is: I don’t feel comfortable sending pictures and videos of myself, how do you do that? The good news is, you have a lot of options!
Are you uncomfortable for cyber security/revenge porn reasons? Don’t send risky pics over text! Use Snapchat or Instagram’s one-time view option. This isn’t foolproof as recipients can take screenshots, and those photos can be stored on the companies’ servers. (Snapchat, for example, says they delete snaps from their servers as soon as they’re opened or after 30 days if they’re unopened, but that could always change.) If that doesn’t comfort you, you can skip pictures altogether! Virtual sex can be super fun with just words! But at the end of the day, you have to accept some risk, as virtual sex necessarily leaves behind a trail of messages.
If you’re uncomfortable for body image reasons, take your time! I’ve left partners on read for 10 minutes while finding a good angle or the perfect response. They’ll still be there. Or take comfort in knowing the images will go away after a few seconds if you’re using Snapchat or Instagram. Or just send messages, not pictures. Or really take in your partner’s responses to your pictures and videos. If you’re with a good partner, having a good time, they find you attractive, I promise. Do you find them hot? Do you care if they look perfect in their pics and vids? Chances are, they feel the same way about you. To be honest, virtual sex has made me significantly more confident in the seductiveness and sexiness of my body and the way it looks during sex.
If you’ve read all this and thought, mm, nope not for me, that’s okay! Everyone wants to experience sex differently, and it’s crucial to listen to your own desires. But it is also crucial that we do the best we can to keep ourselves and our communities safe and healthy at this time, and going out for hookups is not it, my friends. At the same time, sexual desire is natural and important to fulfill for those who want it, and virtual sex holds immense potential, both to keep us safe during this pandemic and to keep us fulfilled and engaged in our sex lives all the time.
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Photography by Francesca Matta
Thumbnail Image by Jill D (Pinterest)